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Post By Silver Aegis Wed Jun 20, 2007 at 04:11:34 am EDT |
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"A Chill in the Heir" Concludes | |
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“A Chill in the Heir” Look up, gentle reader. See that green and orange blur bounding across the Parodiopolis cityscape? Those colors belong to one of the city’s heroes: the Champion of Chaos, the Wired Wonder, the Libertine Legionnaire- CrazySugarFreakBoy!! “Ah patrolling, the bread and butter of any superhero. A chance to do some good, inspire others, and take a moment to think about life. And what’s not to love about life these days? I’m part of the coolest super-team in the Parodyverse, married to a great gal, father to the most wonderful, beautiful baby, reconnecting to my own, previously estranged Dad, and George Perez is back in a monthly series. Yep, things are sweet.” “EEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!” “A woman’s scream, coming from that open window!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! altered his trajectory so he could investigate. He somersaulted his way into the cluttered business office, exclaiming “By the thighs of Teanna Kai!” at what he witnessed. A large man in nickelous chain mail and a winged cowl was looming over the cataleptic damsel in distress. Even more spectacular was the existence of a life sized ice sculpture in the center of the room. “Hey, hands off the lady!” CSFB! uncoiled his Wowie Zowie Yo Yo and snagged the stranger’s perceived victim by the waist and towed her away. Acting on reflex, the armored figure unslung his own weapon of choice, a circular shield, and squared off against the newcomer, “I’m not sure what’s going on here, mister, but if you think I’m one to back down from a fight you’re sadly mistaken.” “Wait: a shield, ringed with thirteen stars, just like the original American flag! You’re the Silver Aegis!” “Always nice to be recognized,” the Aegis replied as he leapt at CrazySugarFreakBoy!, “Now why don’t you do something really smart and stand down?” His opponent moved like dayglo lightning, ducking free of the charge and lobbing a daub of Combat Candy at the man, “You’re pretty fast for an old-timer, but not fast enough. Here, this oughta put some spring in your step!” BOOM! The explosion was loud, but not potent. CSFB! had meant his attack to stun its target. Unfortunately, the Aegis’s shield absorbed the brunt of the force, “What I may lack in speed, I make up in cunning, junior.” Drawing his arm back, he hurled his shield in the general direction of the Wired Wonder. KTANG! Was the sound of the projectile banging off a nearby filing cabinet. “You must be looking out of the wrong part of your bifocals with aim like that!” But the shot was never meant to hit the Legionnaire. Its purpose was to tilt the electric fan sitting atop the cabinet so that it focused its energies on a stack of adjacent files. A cloud of paperwork quickly blanketed the room, providing Silver Aegis with the distraction he needed. “There!” he proclaimed once he had CrazySugarFreakBoy! in a full nelson, “There’s no way you’re going to break this hold. I’ve got size and leverage. So yield!” “No way I’m going to submit to your strong arm tactics, you government stooge. Just give me a second to-“ The sound of the woman stirring from her fainting spell put a halt to any further fanfaronade, “Uhhhh. Wait. Silver Aegis? CrazySugarFreakBoy!,” she noted before her eyes locked on the slowly sweating ice statue, “Mr. Luckworth! What happened to him?!” The two heroes ceased their struggling, “I was hoping you could tell me,” CSFB! stated, “I heard your scream from outside your window and came to investigate. What I saw was you being menaced by the Grey Gestapo here.” Silver Aegis released his grip and exposited, “I was visiting my attorney regarding my legal status here in the Parodyverse when I heard the young lady’s cry for help.” “That’s right, the Parodiopolis Times Picayune report said you were a recent immigrant to our reality,” Dreamcatcher Foxglove rubbed his chin in contemplation, “Hm, then I guess this was a classic case of superheroic misunderstanding. Used to happen all the time. Sorry about that.” The Shield Flinger accepted CSFB!’s handshake, “I should be the one apologizing. In my haste to get to the bottom of this mystery I forgot everything my training and experience has taught me.” “And it is a mystery, isn’t it?” the Champion of Chaos grinned, “One that’s probably going to take both of us to get to the bottom of . So whatdya say, S.A., want to have a team up?” A quick conversation with the woman revealed she was the receptionist for Mister Myron Luckworth, a high priced estate attorney specializing in wills and probates. He had been fine before the woman had left for lunch, and his day planner revealed no meetings scheduled with anyone in that time frame. “Right,” Silver Aegis said after contacting a SPUD Exotic Crime Scene Investigatory Unit to come examine the location, “What next?” CSFB! nodded, “Let’s check building security. We might be able to spot something on their cameras.” They did, “That woman is well overdressed for late spring,” Dream pointed out the figure swathed in a heavy trench coat, scarf, and slouch hat, “The set uniform for the incognito supervillain.” “And when she’s entering the elevator matches up with suspected time of attack. The building has a doorman; he may have seen her come in.” He had, “Och, yes, I remember the lass. Came out of a cab all bundled up as though the city were suffering through a nor’easter, she did.” “A cab? Think back, Mister McTavarish, is it possible for you to remember which company?” It was, “OK, the dispatch operator radioed the taxi and got the address where he picked up our suspect,” CSFB! put away his Lair Legion communi-card, “1018 Snart Street.” “That’s by the docks. Maybe twenty minutes from here, depending on the traffic.” The Wired Wonder cast his Yo Yo and used it as a swing line to get airborne, “Traffic is for suckers. Let’s go, S.A., or don’t you do the leaping roof top to roof top chestnut?” The Silver Aegis grinned and vaulted onto the canopy overhanging the entrance. SPROING! “I was jumping buildings when your parents were in diapers, son. Just try to keep up!” Not much later, the heroes had reached their destination, which turned out to be a refrigerated warehouse purportedly operated by the FrozeCo Food Company. “Nice job with the lock, S.A,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! whispered as the pair made there way through the labyrinth of pallets inside. “Nice job deactivating the motion sensors,” Silver Aegis returned the compliment, “I’m still a bit behind the times when it comes to alarms.” The Wired Wonder peeked around a corner with his Gawker Googles in place, “I’m sure you’ll pick it up. You seem like a bright enough egg. Well, will you look at that?” A manor, built perhaps to one fourth scale (with the exception of the doors and windows, which were human sized) made entirely of ice. Looped around the structure was the shape of a dragon sculpted of the same material. The two crept closer to investigate. Suddenly, the ice dragon’s cerulean eye snapped open. Sounds like glass being ground to powder filled the cavern as the beast reared its serpentine neck and uncoiled from its repose. “Rolling caissons!” Silver Aegis exclaimed. He and CrazySugarFreakBoy! leapt in opposite directions to dodge the dragon’s icy tail. THOOOOMMM!!! The Aegis hurled his shield at the dragon’s right forelimb, hoping his shot would carry enough force to hobble it. Unfortunately the disc ricocheted back to his gloved hands leaving behind only the slightest of cracks. “FWROAR!!” a blast of sub-arctic cold and sleet sprayed from the monster’s mouth. Silver Aegis blocked most of the attack, but his lower extremities were mostly unprotected. He was losing feeling in his legs, but still had enough vigor to tumble clear from a swiping claw. “See if you can keep this refugee from the Planet Hoth busy while I put together something to give it a hot foot,” CSFB! called as he bolted over to one of the warehouse storage bins, “Or at least a bad case of indigestion!” As Silver Aegis used every scrap of skill and cover to evade the beast (“how can something so big move so fast!?”) the Wired Wonder found the object of his search, a cache of blowtorches used to “thaw” areas of the warehouse when there was too much frost built up, and lashed them together with his Silly String. After setting the torches alight he glued more String to the makeshift weapon. Twirling the line over his head, CSFB! let the projectile pinwheel straight into the dragon’s open maw. There was a tremendous hiss, as great geysers of steam erupted from the breaks in the wyrm’s scales. It stumbled, fell, and splintered into chunks. “Thanks for the save,” Silver Aegis commented as he tried rubbing the sensation back into his limbs. “De Nada. Let’s go check out the winter house and see what Frosty here was guarding.” The search would reveal little, however: furniture and accoutrements for someone of a decidedly feminine nature, all carved from ice, and- “Technical manuals,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! identified the stack of books rimed with frost, “Thermodynamics, Cryonics, Cryogenics. That’s some heavy reading.” “Yes. And unfortunately we’re no closer to finding our cold-using assailant, or even knowing who she is,” the Silver Aegis admitted, “Perhaps we should return to the office and work the investigation from the other end, and see if we can pick up where she might be going instead of where she’s been.” Before Dreamcatcher Foxglove could give his opinion on the state of the case fortune intervened in a blaze of green pixels. “By dawn’s early light! A beautiful woman, taking form from that flash of energy emitting from your communi-card!” marveled the Man Out of Time and Place. “Beautiful?” the girl blushed a deeper shade of emerald and tucked a stray lock behind her ear, “Hello, Dream.” “Hey, Hallie. Silver Aegis, this is Hallie, which used to stand for Heuristic Artificial Learning Life Intelligence Entity but the Lair Legion just calls her Hallie on account of the fact she’s a real person in her own right and not just a holographic artificial intelligence program made by one of our old enemies. What’s up, Hallie?” The Legionnaire’s communications specialist wasted no time relaying the relevant information: that the Parodiopolis 911 dispatch had received a call from a family in Pierce Heights wherein the person described finding another frozen statue much like the heroes had. “Dang and blast!” CSFB! pounded a fist into his hand, “She’s struck again. But this time if we move fast enough, we may have her. Thanks, Hals.” “A holographic person, you say,” Scott Scoggins said after she had departed, “Amazing. This Parodyverse is truly a fascinating place, filled with fascinating people. I wonder if-“ CrazySugarFreakBoy! smirked as he ran for the exit, “At ease, soldier. Hallie’s had her fill of square-jawed super patriots.” “That’s not what I meant at all,” the Silver Aegis protested as he matched speeds with the Libertine Legionnaire, “Besides; my dance card is full already, with who ever is putting these civilians on ice!” The journey to Pierce Heights could not be taken by leaping across the cityscape, so alternate modes of transportation were selected. “I wasn’t aware that you could fly, CrazySugarFreakBoy!!” Silver Aegis confessed over the sound of his custom Harley Davidson XA traveling at full throttle. “It’s a new trick a picked up after dying and being reborn as pure chaos energy. Only I need to drink a lot of Rocket Fuel Soda Pop to pull it off,” the wafting Wired Wonder replied as the pair zoomed along the clean thoroughfares of the tony section of Parodiopolis, “I can see our destination up ahead.” Indeed, the Van Der Snoote estate was an impressive three story nineteenth century style mansion built on a hill surrounded by a high brick and mortar wall. There were several police cars waiting at the entrance, but the authorities had refrained from moving in due to the presence of- “Ice Pirates!” CSFB! enthused, “And with Mary Crosby nowhere in sight!” The dated pop culture reference was lost on the Shield Flinger, but the danger of the situation was not. The hoarfrost horde of buccaneers had manned the battlements around the manor, and weren’t too keen on letting anyone in. VROOOM! WHUMP! KRISH! KRISH! KRISH! KRISH! KRISH! Silver Aegis popped a wheelie and hit the curb in a way that let his cycle land atop the stone wall. Then it was a simple matter to ride across it, driving over the crystalline constructs. Simple until- RRRRREEEEK! THUD! “The walls, slick with ice! Causing me to fall!” Scoggins grunted in pain, “I’m pinned under the bike! Got to get free, if these things will let me!” “Got your back, SA,” CSFB! told the Argent Agent of the American Ideal as he zoomed into the fray, “Just a few handfuls of Combat Candy will take care of these guys!” BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Silver Aegis rose and fit his shield on his forearm, “Thanks, son. That will teach me to put my snow chains away early!” “Heh. Good one. Shame the Legion already filled our super patriot archetype slot, you’re much – wait! Someone’s coming out on the mansion’s front terrace!” “Help us! She’s gone crazy!” the young man screamed. The time for idle banter over, the two champions charged the building which, they realized, was identical in structure, if not size, of the icy edifice they found at the FrozeCo warehouse. “Thank you! Thank you! I’m Darwin Van Der Snoote,” the flushed man in a polo shirt and shorts identified himself, “My uncle Cornelius owns this house.” “Van Der Snoote? I remember that name; they made a fortune on packaging and refrigerating perishable foodstuffs after the war!” Silver Aegis exposited. “In your world too, huh? Isn’t that a coinkydink!” CSFB! pointed the ice statue that the remainder of the people in the parlor were gathered around, “And my perusals of the Parodiopolis Time Picayune’s Society page tell me that THAT is Cornelius Van Der Snoote!” “Yes!” a girl in a tennis skirt nodded as she threw another blanket on the frozen solid billionaire, “Cousin Tilda did it! With a blue beam from her eyes!” “Where is this ‘Cousin Tilda’, young lady?” A cold voice called from the top of the winding stairwell, “Up here, you cretinous do-gooders! Only do not call me by that name anymore! I’m casting it aside as my family has cast me aside, robbing me of my birthright! Now, and forever, I am FRIGID HEIRESS!!” “Wow!” CSFB! ogled the platinum blonde in the ermine opera cloak and alabaster bustier, “Wotta dish! A cold dish to be sure, but –“ The woman’s frost-rimmed features cracked into an evil snarl, “Do you know what else is a cold dish, misanthrope? Revenge!” ZARRK!! A bolt of azure energy emitted from her irises, forcing the heroes apart. The blast struck the Rosewood grandfather clock in the corner. The antique shattered from the extreme temperature. “Tilda! Stop!” her cousin protested from behind the fainting couch. “Why? Its just one more trifling heirloom your uncle and his shyster lawyer Luckworth schemed to deny me! Me, the one Van Der Snoote who even tried to take part in the family business-“ CRACK! A flick of her wrist generated an ice wall the protect her from the twin threats of a thrown shield and fired Silly String- “- while you and Cousins Mitzi and Cordelia and Augustus traveled the world satisfying your base appetites!” THOOM! THOOM! THOOM! Frigid Heiress conjured a trio of solid ice battering rams to crush the evading heroes. Silver Aegis rolled over to where his shield lay. “Miss, this is no way to settle a family squabble!” “Quiet! What do you know? About the countless hours I spent toiling away in laboratories and boardrooms?! About the improbable testing mishap that transformed me into a living cryocooler?!! About how this pack of loafers and hedonists used my condition to hide me from the outside world?!!!” “Tilda, we sent you to a hospital! In case you haven’t noticed the accident changed you! Made you crazy!” one of her cousins pleaded from behind a suit of armor. Frigid Heiress spread her hands and fired a volley of razor sharp icicles at her foes, puncturing the walls and floors, shattering the windows, and demolishing the furniture, “How unfortunate for you I used my knowledge of thermodynamics to master my powers and escape! For what happens now, Mitzi, is that I bury you all under an avalanche of your own avarice, and then seek a new destiny, one where I become the Crystal Queen of Crime! HAHAHAHAHA!” “I hate to put the kibosh on such a vivid and edifying soliloquy, Heiress, but we’re at the part of the fight now where the heroes rally!” SPROING! CrazySugarFreakBoy! bounced off the foyer’s chandelier and made a charge for the villainess. “Oh, do shut up, you day-glo clown!” ZARRK! Frigid Heiress focused her ability to create temperatures of absolute zero on the Champion of Chaos, freezing him to his core. CSFB! lost all inertia, and tumbled downward. “No!” the Silver Aegis leapt forward and caught the Wired Wonder before he shattered on the marble floor. “You’re next!” Frigid Heiress assured him, as her eyes charged up for another blast. “I don’t think so, lady,” the Patriotic Powerhouse unslung his shield, “to quote a favorite poet of mine: I’ve got miles to go before I sleep!!” FLING! ZARRK! Silver Aegis timed his shot perfectly, striking the beam and sending it back into the face of the malefactress who fired it. The results were predictably spectacular. “No! I’m causing the air around me to freeze!! I’m becoming entombed by my own power!!” Indeed, the top floors of the mansion were filling with ice, as if a glacier had spontaneously generated through the halls and walls of the Van Der Snoote home. CRRRREEEAAAAAKK! “We have to get out of here!” Silver Aegis told the family and their staff who were on the ground floor. Pick up your uncle and let’s go!!” “But, but, we’re not wearing gloves!” Darwin protested. “Move!!” They were able to escape the collapsing building with just moments to spare. Later, a Super Menace Principal Undercover Directorate Containment Unit was able to chip Frigid Heiress out of the impromptu iceberg and cart her away for detainment. “If only the other victims of Van Der Snoote’s spree could be so easily accommodated,” Silver Aegis said, head bowed as he considered the still form of CrazySugarFreakBoy!, “Perhaps his fellow Legionnaires could- wait; that humming sound! What is it?” As the Aegis watched the body of this fallen hero began to shudder, then crack, then vibrate until he became a psychedelic whirlwind of green, orange, and yellow. “Aaachoooo!” a fully thawed Dreamcatcher Foxglove sneezed once he stopped spinning, “OK, you cold hearted witdh, led’s try dat again! Oh, dit, fight’s dover.” "Gesundheit," Silver Aegis smiled, “And yes, sorry.” “Dat’s all right, I’m not in much dape for fighting anywayds. *Achoo*. I guedd all dat’s left now id to figure out how to unfreeds Frigid Heireds’ udder *achoo* victimds. Al B lovds a challenge like dat.” “You may want to take care of yourself as well,” the Star Spangled Sensation offered CSFB! a hankerchief, “Some chicken soup should take care of those sniffles.” “Dah,” the Wired Wonder shook his head and leered, “I got anudder prescription in mind. You know what dey say, right, about the medicinal value of a good Apple?” THE END |
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